I guess the feeling that there needs to be a purpose, that there has to be a “goal.” I struggle with days off work, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I worry that I’m a failure across my life, I don’t know what it means to have done my life “right.”
i realized “the meaning of life” is essentially a christian concept disguised as something universal and stopped worrying. “life is useless”, as ailton krenak would say – usefulness is a property of things, not people, after all
i have a different kind of dread: my own mortality. it comes every once in a while and i just wait for the dread to go away
It’s fun because it’s the contrary to me. It’s Christianity that made me understand that my life has no meaning, no goal, and that it’s okay: God is the master, he already redeemed the world in Jesus, the evil is already vanquished (even if obviously not dead yet, just like a dead wounded boar which is even more dangerous because it has nothing left to loose). I have nothing to do. It’s fear of being unworthy that makes me want to “merit” my life; but the Bible teach that life is a gift freely given. There’s no merit to search, and my worthiness is not losable. I just try to be the best person I can be, not to look for a reward of any kind, but just because it’s the right thing to do. And my numerous failures will never make me a failure. Christian or not, it’s hard for everyone: nobody’s a failure.
But, to be honest, most Evangelicals wouldn’t recognize me as a Christian anymore, especially the American one, from what I understood.