Jesus Christ!

I had a similar issue years back when I was first duel booting with ubuntu. The issue ostensibly was a systemd service that was checking the time since last boot to check if anything needed to be updated. I recall needing to manually set the timer for that to 30 minutes after boot. It didn’t fix the whole issue but it did clean up the boot time by about half. Hope that helps point you in the right direction! Boot problems can be a nightmare to debug

It’s also worth checking if you can drop into a tty

It’s like weirdly bitter sweet too? Like I always thought I could just discover the right productivity system or find the right way to structure my life to make things work as well as my friends. Had to finally accept that maybe things weren’t okay, maybe things aren’t normal, and maybe getting help is okay

Not sure I follow what you’re getting at bud