So yesterday my XC team and I traveled to Louisville for a meet. Yesterday ended with my coach changing the restaurant plans last minute and TMI, starting my period. On top of it I have a deviated septum that has been causing me sinus problems for about three years now, and lately it has been making breathing very difficult at night. I am getting surgery for it in December, but for now am just using things that give me temporary relief like nasal sprays and an antihistamine.

This morning I woke up not knowing if I got any sleep or not, since my eyelids were heavy and I was confused. I still had enough energy to get through the day though. The day started with me struggling at breakfast. I normally eat my own food on race day, since I have particular things I like to eat on the day of the race, and run better when I eat those things, so I was pretty upset when my coach forced us all to eat breakfast together and made us get something from the breakfast counter. It was extremely difficult for me because they only had a few things I can handle eating, and about half the stuff was either unavailable or not ready yet. I finally settled on something, and ultimately it turned out ok.

At the race however, things took a turn for the worse, as it was extremely hot and we were expected to do well. I try to keep the pressure low because it eases my nerves before the race, but my coach had another idea apparently. I ran really well, my time wasn’t as good as I expected it to be, but I was still very content with it. Unfortunately, my coach made me jealous of the other girls, since apparently they all ran their best times. I beat three of them but unfortunately it wasn’t enough to satisfy my coach.

Right as we were walking to the bus, one of my male teammates started yelling at me to go back to the tent. I figured I had left something there or needed to help carry something, but it was actually that my coach wanted to talk to me. He started by asking how I felt during the race, since unlike the other girls on the team, my time was about 30 seconds slower than it was at this race last season. I didn’t know what to say since obviously I felt terrible, so I just answered that I felt 50/50. He then asked me what happened today and why I didn’t do better. I ended up telling him about my sinus problems and how they are affecting me lately, but he really didn’t seem to care, he just said, “I want you to get better, that’s my job, to help you get better.”

I know this is minor, but I wanted to rant to him so bad. Like seriously? It is 85 degrees out and the sun is glaring on us the entire race, I feel like crap because I’m on my period and nauseous, you keep changing the plans without telling us and forcing me to do stuff I don’t want to do, and burning the team out physically and mentally because you have us do these big workouts the day before the race, and you think my time is bad? I ran a damn good race. Considering the heat, course and problems with my sinuses, I did the best I could do today. At the end of the race I was exhausted, dumping buckets of water on my head and struggling to stay on my feet (this rarely happens) and you didn’t care! All you care about is the two fastest women on the team. What because I am the third fastest, I am less than them? We all deserve the same recognition. Maybe if you gave us information sooner, we would know what to expect, and be able to plan for it! Our old coach was similar, but at least he told us we did well after a race, no matter how terrible we did. Seriously…

Anyway, after the race we went to get food, and immediately afterwards, my coach asked if we had to go to the bathroom. Nobody did, so I stayed where I was. A few minutes later, someone on the team quietly whispered that they needed to go, and my coach SCREAMED at them to go, and then loudly announced to everyone to go if they needed to. That made me even more scared, since he has a tendency to call us out for every little move we make. I accidentally forgot to throw my food out at the next rest stop, and I can feel the nerves set in as he will yell at me and ask why I didn’t throw it away yet or why I ate so slow.

Now all the men on the team plus the coach are loudly laughing and screaming at every little thing, not surprisingly, while the women are trying to sleep. We still have about an hour to drive. I’m over being on the bus, getting yelled at for no reason, and just being nervous and pissed off at something.

To make this rant more positive, I am going to share some highlights of this trip. I managed to ask a teammate an important question, beat one of the girls on my team that I wanted to, told three of them that they did amazing (even though I am jealous of one because she is often favored by the coach), managed to order and receive food at every restaurant, and ultimately, kept up in this fast paced environment for most of the time without losing it at somebody (I did tell a teammate I was close to losing my temper when my coach said I did bad), but other than that, did really well. Sorry for the rant, but it needed to be announced.