am the world’s greatest kindergarten teacher

You can give moving public speeches

Pee.

“can see”

Better take viagra!

Can revive the dead

become immensely popular as a male role model

save kittens from trees

You can captivate the attention of any child. You’re a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children’s birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.

Except, there’s just one small problem…

Your arms take an extra hour to arrive after each teleportation (yes, this delay stacks). You don’t bleed from this, but you have stub arms in the meantime.

Every time you do it, you land on a poop

Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.

You experience no such thing as want or discomfort, you dehydrate and die within a few days.

only you see it

All thoughts are formatted in .docx

Whenever you do it, the fact you’re reading someone’s mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.

In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information

When you read someone’s mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.

You realize nobody thinks, that you are the only real human, and all of this is a simulation where you are alone in a virtual reality test room.

You can’t turn it off or filter out any thoughts and are lost in a cacophony of thoughts bombarding you every second from evey living thing. Even isolation isnt a relief as the animals and insects asail you with their primitive instinctual thoughts.

Whenever you do this, you turn all the gold you aren’t touching within a kilometer radius into lead. That includes gold in electronics, so you would instsntly break every computer within a kilometer radius.

the incantation is a 5min long praise of Jeffrey Epstein

you now have tourette’s and speak that incantation uncontrolably. the only medication for it is lead-based. lead is otherwise harmless to you.

You can never remember the incantation

The incantation is the full unedited script of The Bee Movie and you have to do a Seinfeld impersonation when reciting his lines.

The transformation takes about a week each way. So you have a lot of awkward time where you’ve got furry privates and horrible clawed hands while you wait for the change to complete.

You get hit with the same side effect

The code can only be written in VB.Net.

It must be written in Malbolge Unshackled using a keyboard that alternates between DVORAK and QWERTY layouts with each keystroke.

Stack overflow won’t load while time is paused.

Your code always crashes. Always.

You can only write ‘hello world’

Air also stops, so moving causes unimaginable levels of friction and you cannot breath.

but it’s flaccid

Extreme fear of heights

Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.

you lose all leg strength

You can’t walk

You’re now a city pigeon.

You get struck by lightning

However, you must personally hand-deliver every employed person’s paychecks in your country.

No, you cannot move to the Vatican to avoid living in a populated nation.

You have to use the heaviest legal tender viable. E.g., 100 pennies as opposed to a dollar. You can buy a house, but you’d be doing so with many, many metric tons of copper.

But it’s a currency you cannot spend or convert.

Infinite bills

Applies only to non terrestrial events

You can only make things worse

You can’t pick which events. You only find out what they were after setting the likelihoods, and can never change them a second time.

You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.